


the absence of it

by ACOVI87



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: M/M, POV First Person, POV Murata Ugetsu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29934939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ACOVI87/pseuds/ACOVI87
Summary: It is spring, I think.I try not to pay attention to the things that hurt, and spring hurts.The opposite of autumn - the absence of it.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Murata Ugetsu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	the absence of it

**Author's Note:**

> A small something I had buzzing in my head while listening to this beautiful song: https://youtu.be/xQMkJpjzhSQ  
> Please listen to it as you read it, if you like. It would really add to the experience, I think, as it did to writing it. Enjoy.

_  
  
It is spring, I think._   
_I try not to pay attention to the things that hurt, and spring hurts. The opposite of autumn - the absence of it. This evening, it hurts very much._   
_The pale light from the lamppost makes us look dead, actually almost dead. You say things that hurt but I don't understand them, because my head is full of water pushing out and under._   
_It had for the whole duration of the song, which I also did not understand._   
_I thought, if I put one foot after the other and move away far enough then I won't have to move away any further, out of his reach._   
_One foot after the other from here to the station to pretend another break-up and then crawl back home minutes after him._   
_Sometimes hours, or days. But he's always first home._   
_I should never have come. Me coming triggered him leaving. It's simple._   
_I should have known and in fact I did. But the descent felt inevitable, it was beyond me._   
_Just so it's clear, I haven't cleaned the pieces off the floor yet. I never will. It will be his job even after he leaves, meaning I will have to tiptoe around landmines._   
_It's somehow comforting because his clothes are gone, gone like disappeared, from one day to the next. And his toothbrush, too. His scent, not yet._   
_Inside my nose, right now, I will find a way to make it stay or I won't ever be able to sleep properly again._   
_And I need to, to focus, to look good, to keep him. I need to look good so I can keep him when I don't want to hurt him._   
_When I'm too weak to. Today I am the weakest I've ever been and he knows. He takes advantage of it, as we always did._   
_The game we play._   
_This light pressure in the palm of my hand, I record it but I don't have shelves left to store it away so I will put it on the floor for him to sweep when I'm not looking._   
_Disorderly, the way he hates it, next to the shards of the many things of his I broke._   
_It's almost there, I am sure, we're almost dead. It hurt to let go of the mug he bought me but I did it out of spite which made it right in concept._   
_I hate things inanimate because he is animate, my intent is noble. I hate the opposite of him. The negative space he fills. Used to fill._   
_My hand always hurt while it was in his because it was never meant to hold it, it's mismatched to it in the great mosaic of things._   
_It's meant to hold a bow, something inanimate. It masters it, it commands it until it's time to put it away. You can't do these things to something alive, so it hurts you and them._   
_Curiously my hand also hurt the moment it wasn't in his anymore._   
_By anymore I mean never again._   
_I didn't pay attention to any of this and it was gone before I knew it. It avalanched backwards leaving me naked down here where he thinks I deserve to be._   
_He is right, it's what autumn knows best, the fine art of falling. How to not mind its inability to go back up._   
_Watching his back grow smaller, I do consider trying. I do._   
_But the descent still feels inevitable, the gravity of it pushes the water out. A lot of it, regrettably. I can't run after him while I rain this much. That's my excuse._   
_This whole ordeal hurts very, very much for a rather short moment, like a stubborn plaster ripping off the skin all at once. It rains for the plaster and the skin gone with it, without my consent._   
_And now that the plaster is gone, I am numb to the pain at the very happening of it, at the very same time, I swear, as it fades. It makes no sense, it never did._   
_We forgot how to make sense for a very long time before he came to his senses and made it rain._   
_Yes it is spring, I think. I try not to pay attention to the things that hurt, and spring hurts. The opposite of autumn - the absence of it._   
_Spring showers. Impossible to forecast, easier to assume they will come down and bring your umbrella._   
_I forget how to feel pain tonight, and how to forecast, as well. Never was I that good at it and many more things._   
_I could never help comparing him to inanimate things till the end, which is now._   
_Tonight, in the end, I forget my umbrella._


End file.
